Farewell, Dear Mothers

March 1, 2015 at 6:51 pm | Posted in Catholicism, Uncategorized, women | 6 Comments
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If you are an (early) baby-boomer like me, or older than I am (almost 68), what I’m going to say here won’t be anything new to you. If you’re a lot younger, maybe. But in any case, perhaps we can share reflections and begin to come to terms with some of this hard stuff.

My mother, God bless her, did her best. But she was not noted for her warmth or supportiveness–at least not to my brother and me. Some of the cousins fared better; Mom sometimes rose to occasions. But as for me, I spent my younger years looking for a mother, or mothers, to make up for certain significant lacks.

One of the groups who rose to the occasion big time were the Sisters of Notre Dame de Namur, who staffed the Catholic girls high school I attended in the early 1960s, Notre Dame, Moylan, south of Philadelphia. The nuns at that high school were the first genuinely educated people I had ever met, and the love and support they showed me is hard to describe adequately. A number of them still send me birthday cards, and pray for my husband when he’s sick, and love the things I write.

Toward the end of my senior year at Moylan, one of the Sisters of Notre Dame there, Sister Marcella Marie, invited a member of the Grail, the international Catholic laywomen’s movement, to come and speak about the Grail. After Veronica Barbato’s talk, I began going up to the Grail’s center on Chester Avenue in Philadelphia for programs and liturgical events. The Grail seemed to me to be the perfect embodiment of the Second Vatican Council, which had just ended.

Eventually one of the Grail women drove me out to the group’s national headquarters, Grailville, in rural southwestern Ohio. I began spending summers there while I was in college and teaching the fourth grade–don’t even ask!!–after which  I joined the Grailville staff for four years (1975 to 1979). While I was at Grailville I co-authored my first book, led programs, met nationally-known feminist theologians, became concerned about the environment (Grailville is an organic farm) and more or less started being the person I am today. It was an extraordinary experience.

In my encounter with the Sisters of Notre Dame, and again with the Grail women, I was most deeply influenced  by those a generation ahead of me, women who were in their twenties and thirties for the most part. This means that I have been in conversation with–and loved–a number of them for fifty years.

And now they are dying. I said to someone recently that being in the Grail for me now is like having fifty mothers all in their eighties. And it’s true with the SNDs as well.

Let me illustrate this with two stories.  A few years ago, at the funeral of a Moylan classmate,  I ran into a woman named Eileen Holahan. She had been an SND for many years, and the director of the glee club at Notre Dame, an activity that had given me great joy.  Eileen had left the convent somewhat later in life than a lot of women did, and worked as a professional for several decades. At the time of my friend’s funeral, Eileen was in her early eighties, but in good health, and we had a few wonderful visits when I was in Baltimore, where she lived. Then last winter, one day, her sister called to say Eileen had fallen on the ice outside her apartment building, damaged her brain, and died. I still can’t believe it. I keep expecting her to telephone me.

Then this past Christmas Eve I called Carolyn Gratton, an internationally known Grail member whom another Grail member, Anne Burke, used to take me to visit when Carolyn was a graduate student in psychology at Duquesne in Pittsburgh in the late 1960s.  Carolyn finished her Ph.D. and went on to be a recognized expert and author in the areas of spirituality and spiritual direction. I didn’t always agree with her–she was so much more benign a person than I am–but we had been talking throughout my entire adult life. When I called her on Christmas eve, I told her I’d be up to Toronto to see her in the spring. Next morning there was an email from the Grail saying that Carolyn had died in her sleep.

Then there’s Ruthie Chisholm, another Grail member who had spent decades nursing with the Grail team at Rubaga Hospital in Uganda. I lived with Ruth for a while at the Grail Center up in Cornwall, New York, after she returned from Uganda. Ruth had a terrible stroke a few years ago, so her death was not unexpected;  in many respects,actually,  it was a blessing, because she had been totally disabled by the stroke, she, a woman who had always been active.  But it’s hard to imagine the world without her.

As I said at the outset, none of this should be all that surprising. Indeed, it’s the new normal; people get old and then they die. So will I, I’m told. But it’s unbelievably hard to imagine a world without these and the  other radiant women who impacted my life so significantly.

Perhaps I’ll just stop writing now and go have a visit with them.

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6 Comments »

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  1. Thank you Marian! Love this testimonial to women who raise us and breathe new life into ours. It is so hard to see them go – and definitely a reminder of our need to slow down and take the time to talk and be together. Life. is so short and so precious.

    You are a woman who has deeply blessed my life – and do look forward to seeing you sometime very soon.

    xo

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  2. Well, I could not even reply to this on a cloudy day; now that the sun is peeking through, I can acknowledge the wisdom of what you write as well as the pain.

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  3. Oh, this is so wonderful! What a great tribute to all these wonderful women, and all our friends and family as they leave us, better than we were without them, but oh, what a gaping hole is left in our hearts!
    Visit those who are still with us, indeed, is the only solution. My father, who would have been 99 today, but died when he was 62, was a terrific writer and your beautiful words help me endure without him. Thank you!

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  4. I heard of Grail while at Manhattanville; now I wish I’d heard more and had a chance to be involved.

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  5. Thanks for this Marian. So true. We were fortunate to meet such inspiring, kind people.
    I hope you had a good visit with them.

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  6. Marian, so often I wondered how and when you came into the Grail. Now, I can put it all together. I have always admired you and your writing. I came from Detroit to Philadelphia and was there from 55 to 57 at the Center. That’s where I met Joe, and all those wonderful women who you mentioned. The Grail changed my life in so many ways, and still influences me. Thanks for that wonderful article about Ruth and Carolyn, they still inspire me.

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