The Amateur’s Guide to Death and Dying
August 4, 2012 at 2:23 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 CommentsTags: advance directives, death and dying, end of life documents, Richard Wagner Ph.D., The Amateur's Guide to Death and Dying, The Grail in the US
Well, as you know, I’ve been thinking about death and dying lately. Here’s my latest contribution to the conversation, a review of Richard Wagner’s book, The Amateur’s Guide to Death and Dying. It appears on Richard’s webpage, with a link to Amazon, and was published originally in the August 2012 issue of Gumbo, the newsletter of the Grail in the United States.
The Amateur’s Guide to Death and Dying: Enhancing the End of Life, by Richard Wagner, Ph.D. Las Vegas, NV: Nazca Plains, 2012. 431 pp. Paperback, $19.95; Kindle, $12.95.
Well, it’s happening. The baby-boomers are becoming senior citizens. I joined Medicare and got my half-price MTA card in April. My husband has retired and we’re planning a trip to Paris.
But getting older isn’t all sweetness and light. Even as Keith and I are packing, my best friend from college has checked into a hospice in Toronto, her metastatic breast cancer exploding throughout her body. Ten or twenty years ago I would have characterized this as a catastrophe. Increasingly, it’s the new normal.
Apparently we Americans put a lot of energy into avoiding this “darker” side of getting older. Psychotherapist Richard Wagner has extensive experience helping people to come to terms with their own deaths and the deaths of those they love, so he’s written a workbook for the rest of us: The Amateur’s Guide to Death and Dying.
The chapters of The Amateur’s Guide are structured around ten sessions of the death and dying support groups that the author leads professionally in Northern California. Ten fictional group members, composites of actual participants, interact with one another, telling their stories, and engaging the material that Wagner and other experts present. Forms are also provided for us, the readers, to respond to the materials, provide feedback, even evaluate the contents and process of the workshop.
Among the death and dying-related subjects the book/workshop addresses are fear and avoidance of the reality of death, dealing with regrets and old wounds, end-of -life documents and preparations like advance directives, wills and trusts, who to notify, distribution of your possessions, etc., spirituality in death and dying, sexuality and intimacy in the dying process, and what someone’s last weeks and days are actually like.
Reading the responses of the various group members to the presentations and assignments helps to make this material real. But doing the assignments yourself makes death and dying all the more palpable. I was surprised at how deeply moved—and disturbed—I was as I did the various exercises, for example, writing my own obituary and describing the last weeks and days of my own life. This may not be true for everyone, but for me, engaging the prospect of my death was a sobering experience. But I feel I am better for it.
No book is perfect, of course. For the first half of the book, I found it almost impossible to keep the ten members of the group straight in my head. I finally made a crib sheet with the name, age, and a brief description of each, which I printed out and kept inside the front cover. The publisher should send out a bookmark with such information on it when someone buys a copy of The Amateur’s Guide so that readers can consult it as each group member begins to “talk.” The book is also pretty large—the cover is eight by ten inches and the book is an inch thick—which made it hard for me to take on the subway, where I do a lot of my reading.
But this is quibbling. The Amateur’s Guide to Death and Dying makes a valuable contribution to helping readers come to terms with an aspect of life that too many of us tend to avoid. Groups around the country would do well to use it to help members begin—or continue—to deal with the reality of death
4 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Leave a comment Cancel reply
-
Speaks against the inertia and retrenchment of the ecumenical churches on the loaded issue of the gender of God....Appropriately scholarly and...readily accessible.
—Theology TodayWISDOM'S FEAST is available in paperback on Amazon.
What I’m Reading
The Other Catholics: Remaking America’s Largest Religion, by Julie Byrne (Columbia, 2016).
The Quest for Environmental Justice: Human Rights and the Politics of Pollution, by Robert W. Bullard, editor (Sierra Club Books, 2005).
Tropic of Chaos: Climate Change and the New Geography of Violence, by Christian Parenti (Nation Books, 2011).
A Council that Will Never End: Lumen Gentium and the Church Today, by Paul Lakeland (Liturgical Press, 2013).
The War that Ended Peace: The Road to 1914, by Margaret MacMillan (Random House, 2013).
“What Our Church Has Inflicted on Judaism,” by Steven Englund. With Responses by Jon Levenson, Donald Senior, and John D. Levenson. (Commonweal, Feb. 10, 2014).
The Quest for Environmental Justice: Human Rights and the Politics of Pollution, by Robert W. Bullard, editor (Sierra Club Books, 2005).
Tropic of Chaos: Climate Change and the New Geography of Violence, by Christian Parenti (Nation Books, 2011)
A Council that Will Never End: Lumen Gentium and the Church Today, by Paul Lakeland (Liturgical Press, 2013).
The War that Ended Peace: The Road to 1914, by Margaret MacMillan (Random House, 2013).
“What Our Church Has Inflicted on Judaism,” by Steven Englund. With Responses by Jon Levenson, Donald Senior, and John D. Levenson. (Commonweal, Feb. 10, 2014).
Archives
- October 2021 (2)
- April 2021 (1)
- March 2021 (2)
- February 2021 (1)
- December 2020 (3)
- November 2020 (2)
- September 2020 (1)
- August 2020 (5)
- July 2020 (6)
- February 2020 (1)
- January 2020 (1)
- December 2019 (1)
- November 2019 (1)
- October 2019 (1)
- September 2019 (1)
- August 2019 (1)
- June 2019 (1)
- May 2019 (1)
- April 2019 (2)
- March 2019 (3)
- February 2019 (2)
- January 2019 (1)
- December 2018 (1)
- November 2018 (1)
- October 2018 (1)
- August 2018 (1)
- July 2018 (1)
- May 2018 (2)
- April 2018 (3)
- March 2018 (3)
- February 2018 (3)
- January 2018 (1)
- December 2017 (1)
- November 2017 (2)
- August 2017 (1)
- May 2017 (1)
- April 2017 (2)
- March 2017 (1)
- January 2017 (1)
- December 2016 (2)
- November 2016 (3)
- October 2016 (1)
- August 2016 (1)
- July 2016 (1)
- June 2016 (1)
- May 2016 (1)
- April 2016 (4)
- March 2016 (3)
- February 2016 (2)
- January 2016 (1)
- December 2015 (2)
- November 2015 (3)
- October 2015 (1)
- September 2015 (4)
- August 2015 (4)
- July 2015 (3)
- June 2015 (3)
- May 2015 (4)
- April 2015 (3)
- March 2015 (3)
- February 2015 (1)
- January 2015 (4)
- December 2014 (3)
- October 2014 (4)
- September 2014 (2)
- August 2014 (1)
- July 2014 (3)
- June 2014 (3)
- May 2014 (2)
- April 2014 (2)
- March 2014 (4)
- February 2014 (3)
- January 2014 (2)
- December 2013 (4)
- November 2013 (1)
- October 2013 (3)
- September 2013 (3)
- August 2013 (4)
- July 2013 (4)
- June 2013 (2)
- May 2013 (3)
- April 2013 (4)
- March 2013 (4)
- February 2013 (4)
- January 2013 (4)
- December 2012 (3)
- November 2012 (5)
- October 2012 (4)
- September 2012 (1)
- August 2012 (8)
- July 2012 (3)
- June 2012 (6)
- May 2012 (4)
- April 2012 (5)
- March 2012 (2)
- February 2012 (3)
- January 2012 (4)
- December 2011 (4)
- November 2011 (5)
- October 2011 (4)
- September 2011 (3)
- August 2011 (3)
- July 2011 (5)
- June 2011 (3)
- May 2011 (3)
- April 2011 (3)
- March 2011 (2)
- February 2011 (6)
- January 2011 (6)
- December 2010 (3)
- November 2010 (4)
- October 2010 (3)
- September 2010 (3)
- August 2010 (3)
- July 2010 (6)
- June 2010 (2)
- May 2010 (3)
- April 2010 (5)
- March 2010 (8)
- February 2010 (3)
- January 2010 (6)
- December 2009 (5)
- November 2009 (9)
- October 2009 (9)
- September 2009 (7)
- August 2009 (5)
Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
Dear Marion,
Since my husband of 40 years died 2 ½ years ago, I read your post with great interest. I wrote you earlier and mentioned this and how the story of Francis’ extraordinarily “good death” (in spite of his bone cancer pain) is posted online. Whoever “googles” elaineandfrancis will get to the blogspot one of my students created for me when I wrote that first letter to family and friends on September 24, 2009.
You said it: Getting older is not all sweetness and light. But, in spite of the trauma of death of a spouse, I can tell you this: In my experience, even though the loss of loved ones bring barely bearable pain, it also brings its gifts. The key one for me has been to become more truly alive.
The second is this: I discovered from poems coming to me after Francis’ death, that I’m a poet and a writer! Though a retired English teacher, I didn’t realize I have this gift. My first book of poems was published in May: Sing to Me and I Will Hear You – The Poems. It’s available at Amazon along with the CD – Sing to Me and I Will You – Elaine G. McGillicuddy reading her poems. I am now working on Sing to Me . . . The Memoir: A Love Story. (I was a nun; he, a priest.) And because more poems keep coming, I plan, God willing, a third book – all with the same title (Francis’ words to me) but subtitled: The Uncollected Poems and Journals.
At 76 (77 next month) I’m not a baby-boomer, but grateful for this generation – or the 60’s – that deeply shaped me, and Francis too. Perhaps that’s why I left the convent and he the clerical priesthood. And now look at all the good things – like this Amateur’s Guide – your generation is sprouting!
Peace,
Elaine
.
LikeLike
Comment by Elaine G. McGillicuddy— August 4, 2012 #
CM SPAM detection: spam References:
Eliane:
Thanks for this lovely response.
You should have posted the link to your book for the readers of my blog. I didn’t find it, but here’s the link to the recording of your poems: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=+Elaine+G.+McGillicuddy .
Marian
LikeLike
Comment by Marian Ronan— August 4, 2012 #
I’m puzzled, Marion, that when I looked at Amazon with m name and title of the poems book – both book and CD were on the same Amazon page. Go figure! ;o)
LikeLike
Comment by Elaine G. McGillicuddy— August 4, 2012 #
CM SPAM detection: spam References:
I probably just looked too fast. One of my failings….
Sent from my iPad
LikeLike
Comment by Marian Ronan— August 5, 2012 #